GAH Noir's Shrine to Bill Maxwell

[jopierce]

Come worship here.





All are welcome, as long as you accept me as the high priestess.

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[HoudiniDerek]

jopierce said:

Come worship here.
All are welcome, as long as you accept me as the high priestess.

Is this a link to another Proboard...or just a thread that you are making? If the former, don't you think it would have been best under the GAH-RELATED Proboards thread?

If the latter, shouldn't you start, so we know the PROPER way to tribute.

[jopierce]

Late Night Dedications

Jo Pierce - GAH Noir - has been calling in to all the local late night radio stations in this town for a week. I've been up all night, drinking gin, chain smoking...

All week I've been trying to get this dedication out to Bill Maxwell... cause he's haunting my every waking moment, and I can't get him out of my dreams... I've got an APB out for him, cause he's stolen my soul, and I just can't get it back...

Once again, its another late night in this dirty town, so I pick up the phone and dial that station...


GAH Noir: You know what I want to hear.
DJ: [lying] No, I don't.
GAH Noir: You played it for all the others
... you can play it for me!
DJ: [lying] Well, I don't think I can remember...
GAH Noir: If they can have it, I can! Play it!!




C'mon Billy
(PJ Harvey)

C'mon Billy
come to me
you know I'm waiting
I love you endlessly

c'mon Billy
you're the only one
don't you think it's time now
you met your only son

I remember
lover's play
the corn was golden
we lay in it for days
I remember
the things you said
my little Billy
come to your lover's bed

Come home
is my plea
your home now
is here with me
come home
to your son
tommorrow might never come

Come on Billy
you look good to me
how many nights now
your child inside of...
don't forget me
I had your son
damn thing went crazy
but I swear you're the only one

Come alone, Billy, now come to me
come alone, Billy, now come to me
come alone, and come to me

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[jopierce]

HD. Careful. You can be the first sacrifice.

*kiss*

[jopierce]

GAH Noir took another swig of that old fashioned medicine, and another... until she was lookin down the neck of an empty gin bottle. Empty, dammit...

She threw it against the wall... **CRASH**

Against the wall... Those damn thoughts of Bill kept comin back for more... When will they stop?

GAH Noir let out a deep sigh, picked up her trenchcoat, and headed out the door... she was lookin for trouble, and his name was Maxwell...

[jopierce]

Later that night...

The Voice in the Dark: So, GAH Noir, did you get lucky...

Jo: Not yet... That's up to him. If I post again tonight, probably not. Otherwise, if I am not back in an hour, call me an ambulance...

or a drug store that makes deliveries...

[jopierce]

Maxwell, needing a morning pick me up, grabs a little Jo.



Even Pamela, recognizing the stimulating qualities of a little Jo first thing in the morning, suggests Bill have some.

[jopierce]

Warning: Not a real GAH Match Game Round



Gene Rayburn: Ok. Next question... Bill Maxwell was so tough...

Audience: HOW TOUGH WAS HE?!!![/i]

Gene: **chuckle**

Charles Nelson Reilly: **from his seat** Who's Bill Maxwell??



Robert Culp: EEEEP!!!

Brett Sommers: Charles! You're hurting Robert's feelings!!

**Charles gets up and walks over to Robert Culp and gives him a really big, wet kiss**



Charles: Ok, I'm done. You can continue!!!

Gene: Bill Maxwell was sooooo tough...

Audience and stars: How tough was he?

Gene: Bill Maxwell was so tough the only thing that scared him was.... BLANK.

**Music plays for a minute, everyone writes something down**

Gene: Ok, contestant #1. Bill Maxwell was so tough the only thing that scared him was.... BLANK. What's your answer.

Cotestant #1: Charles Nelson Reilly?

**AUDIENCE EXPLODES IN LAUGHTER**

Gene: **Chuckling** That's your answer?

Contestant: Yes.

Gene: Ok. Everyone. That's her answer. Ok, over to our stars... Rip Taylor! Rip?



Rip Taylor: **Throws confetti**

Gene: Will you cut that out!! Who's gonna clean that up...

Rip: I said Democrats in office.



Gene: **Chuckles** Show us the card... ok... Brett?

Brett: Well, I said, well you know how Bill Maxwell is all tough and macho, and everything... so I said...



Gene: That's a rotten answer.... Ok, Charles. We're looking for... you...

Charles: Get in line, honey!!!

**Audience explodes in laughter**



Charles: Well, I don't know who Bill Maxwell is, but since you said he was tough, I figured he's real tough. And what is a real tough guy afraid of?

Gene: I don't know, Charles... that's what we're asking....

Charles: Well, what brings fear into the hearts of all Big, Tough, and Strong Red Blooded American Men?



**DING**

Gene: Ok, that's one point. Betty... what's your answer?



**AUDIENCE APPLAUDS**

Gene: *chuckles* Green Guys... no match. That's a really good answer, but not a match. Richard Dawson. What do you say?

**Camera pans to Robert Culp**



Gene: Wait! It's not your turn, Robert! What is that you have written down anyway??

**Walks over to Robert Culp, reads card, and hits him over the head with the question card.**



Richard: My turn? Ok...



Richard: Well, I said "Jo." You know... like in a back alley, late at night...

Gene: *chuckles* Ok. Good answer. That's pretty scary... Now Robert. You play Bill Maxwell...

Charles: NOT YET! Give him 5 years!!!

Gene: Ok... Robert, you WILL play Bill Maxwell, so what do you say?

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[jopierce]

Was Bill Maxwell's wife dead, or just plain stupid?


Ok, more supporting evidence for my "Mrs. Maxwell was stupid and divorced Bill theory...:

Does anyone remember seeing ANYWHERE in his apartment an old photo of a woman? A wedding photo? A photo of his wife? Anything?

I would guess that most people still keep old photos around of their beloved after they die. He's got J Edgar, FBI Wanted posters, and some old photos of old army buddies on the wall. Why not her?

If she leaves you for a used car salesman in Vegas, you take her photo, paste it on a bullseye, bring it down to the firing range, and take aim.

Perhaps there are some who would react otherwise. But perhaps...more evidence???

Ah, man, I need a life.

[jopierce]

Perhaps the photos were burnt in a fire...

---

What other parts of Bill's past should we cleanse by fire?

Oh, you know her name... but I won't mention it. It is

SheWhoCannotBeMentioned.

**sniff**

Do I smell the smoldering scent of burning lilacs?

---

Her: Bill? Have I lit a fire in your heart?
Bill: Not really. Have I light a fire under your seat?

[jopierce]

WHY I HATE
"LILACS, MR MAXWELL"

I've been thinking about this far too much during my commuting time. Let me get it out in the open...

---

Monday Morning

My hatred for the episode "Lilacs, Mr Maxwell" is growing - growing faster than my gin induced headache still pounding steadily since last Saturday night.

Sure, part of it is jealousy, if I had to be honest. Sure, I'd like to be up against that chest. But there are so many other things that just irk me.

Here is the newest reason to hate O'Neil:

This broad never loves Bill!!

He goes completely ga ga over her, drops his jaw on the floor, would do anything for her, and yet she is just using him.

Perhaps she likes him, and comes to like him romantically, but she doesn't ever really love him.

That whole "I want a cup of coffee" schtick O'Neil is doing is just playing off the fact that he likes her. She can tell that he likes her, so she uses it. She is drawing him in. She's not even really hiting on him, or really wants to be with him. This is part of her set up to get him to open up to her.

Come on, Bill, toss her over the side of the boat...

Now I know I'm gonna get some flack for this, since many of y'all love this episode. Maybe I'm just too protective of Bill - he is so damn vulnerable when it comes to dames. He's always so in control that when you see him in territory he can't handle (skirts, little green guys, music) it just makes you want to say "There there uncle Bill. It'll be ok. Rest your head on my chest..." Anyway, this O'Neil/Maxwell thing s just weighin me down...

Any thoughts?

---

Tuesday Morning
You know, I don't hate this episode so much as I just hate O'Neil.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Maybe that was RC's plan? Make people hate her so we'd love Bill more? Ugh. Flames shoot out of my ears every time I watch this episode... I mean, if she had played her like she played whats-her-face on Designing Women, then yes, that would work. But here, she's a salami buyin flake! Every time I watch I just sit there on the couch squirming, knowing what a flakey witch that O'Neil is.

GRRRRR...

Give me five minutes alone with her in a dark alley... (Then, I'll take another 5 alone will Bill...you think he'd mind stepping over her limp body to get to me?)

I also do like the Ralph/Bill dynamics here. That chatting over Margaritas scene is classic. "Bill... we always hoped you'd..."

I think what I DO like about this episode is how it sets things up for fan fiction.

---

Wednesday Morning

Ok, maybe I Am VERY CONFLICTED about Lilacs...

For camp appeal, I personally liked the beach scenes. After all, if you are going to put this serious episode in GAH and keep it a bit cheesy, the surfer dudes, fake cameras, the Russian playing the director, and the FLOATING MACHINE GUNS are great!! Plus the FBI hires an efficiency expert who doesn't realize that there is no Agent Hinkley showing up on the FBI payroll? It is the kind of inconsistency that we love and expect from GAH.

But if Bill is going to get some... just once! Boy did they miscast Dixie Carter. She's attractive, sure... but she just doesn't play this role well. And for the love of god, why is she wearing that frilly lacy thing around her neck? Talk about unsexy... ugh. Fire that wardrobe coordinator!

---

Happy Hour, Wednesady Night:

**Pouring a drink at the bar... I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. This Lilacs episode is going to haunt me... **

The clues are all there, but I just can't figure this episode out. I played it back again today, went through the files. There's just somethin about that O'Neil dame that don't sit right.

Oh, could it be that in the whole damn episode, O'Neil and Maxwell never kiss. Not once. This is supposed to be the love of his life (well, at least since his wife) and he never kisses her. She never kisses him.

Then there's that "I want a cuppa coffee line." Look at that dame. She's setting him up!! Those guys are in the bushes are there waiting cause she is setting Maxwell up. Look at her! As she is walking up the stairs with him. She is looking around, looking for them. Look at her eyes... Holy crap! She's waiting for the bullets to fly! She only goes up to his apartment cause she's waiting for the S**T to hit the fan...

Give me five minutes with that dame... in a dark alley....

---

Thursday Morning:

Shewhocanotbementioned never intended to sleep with him... she may have slept with him, but she wasn't going up to his place to do it. After all, this is part of the set up, right?

The hit didn't work that night, so the next day, she calls them from the bar, right? To meet on the beach.

I guess the other question is this... is the margarita drinking at the bar happening the very next day? Or is it weeks later? Bill says he only has known her a few weeks, and that probably included the time in the office. Plus, Ralph mentioned that Bill just caught the spies - meaning the day or two before. So it seems that it is the next day or so. Thus, this is all happening really fast. The whole episode (up until the last closing scene) probably takes 2 or 3 days...

Plus, Bill says that he never wanted anybody... (not since his wife) - but he never said he had her. Yes, it's rated PG, but fer pete's sake, they don't ever kiss even...

So, my take is. And you're gonna hate this, Billswoman. Or maybe you'll love it... The late night coffee was only that. Just coffee and talk. In my educated opinion, there was no hunky dorey dancing going on. No midnight mamba. No sleepytime samba. No horizontal hustle. It was just coffee. They spent the friggin night talking about her joining up as an agent.

That's my story. And I'm stickin to it...

---

Thursday Afternoon, Corner deli:

Dammit!

I can't figure this out. So freakin confused... probably why this episode makes my eyes water...

In this episode, do the Russians want Bill's secret? Or do they want him eliminated? When she is in the phone booth at the end, and they tell O'Neil to eliminate him, she says "We were so close..." I assume to getting the secret to his 98% rate. If they want the secret, why would they have tried to kill him on the way up the stairs?

Maybe she doesn't know they are there...

Dammit. Thought I had it figured out... Keeps me on my toes, but another reason I can't decide if I like or hate this episode...

---

Thursday afternoon, coffee break:

I'll admit it. The episode has some interesting points.


Culp's acting

Culp's chest and whump scenes

Bill falls for the exact opposite of himself (hey! He seems to hang with a lot of people who are not "his type".... what's up with that?)

Bill's face in the basement in the opening scenes with O'Neil

Did I mention the open shirt?... oh yeah... got that... check...

It never seemed like Bill would be the type to look past duty and take her in. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. That makes it a good episode. But I think that O'Neil was such a hag that I couldn't ever see myself growing to like the character, no matter what redemption or forgiveness might take place later.

In my opinion, that whole "coffee" thing is so painful to watch. It's great to see what the end of a date with Bill could be like. But
I still think she's setting him up, leading him there so the others can kill him.

Maybe he gets some. But I think "she" never thought it would happen... she thinks it's going to over before it starts. She leads him to the stairs, the guys kill him, and she's back in her car before he hits the floor. I see the whole thing as her manipulating him...

---

Friday Morning:

O'Neil just might be Satan.

Well, maybe not satan... per se... but that doesn't make her any more likable in my book... Let's just say she ain't getting a Xmas card from me...

Do I think she is evil?

Is she evil for being a spy?

Is she evil for agreeing to kill Bill, in her duty as an enemy agent?

Is she evil for leading him on?

Is she evil for manipulating him and lying to him?

Is she evil for that really bad choice in ruffled collars?

---

Friday afternoon commute home:

Did they "do it"? And just how long did they knew each other.

First - how long do they know each other? I think the evidence shows 24-48 hours, with some casual interaction before at the bureau.

Whether or not they did it is up to individual tastes, from what I can see. That's almost an independent question.

Bill may have done some lovin with O'Neil, even if they really only met 24 or so hours earlier. I mean, we really have no idea. I personally think Bill would not jump into the sack with a dame after one evening. In my opinion, he would see that as not by the book. He seems like the type who would not be into that. I think he would like a lady who didn't do that either. At least not so quickly.

For all we know, he may not have had any since his wife. Which means self control.

That, or he was about to burst.

In the second case, O'Neil would have gotten more than a little something something that night. But who knows? He may have decided to try a little, this once...

How long did they know each other? Two weeks? They are moving fast. IMHO, too fast to be within character for Bill. The GOOD thing about this "quick quick quick" theory is that it it explains why we never see them kiss, and to me suggests Bill didn't get a little something something. That's just my opinion though. I am still of the mindset that they were up for a long night, and had coffee. To me, that's when they talked about O'Neil joining up.

O'Neil says "I'm new" - it's is a relative term. Two weeks at a job is new, isn't it? The fact that Bill had already noticed her ("Everyone knows when she's coming?"... "They DO???" ... "Gardenias??") and the fact he knew where her office was BEFORE it was moved to the basement suggests this. This is why when he says "I've only known her a couple of weeks" it still works with the theory I have -that the whole episode lasts no more than 48 hours (without the end scene).

My thoughts. The Russians send her over. She is embedded, but probably there is no real rush. Then all of a sudden, Bill and Ralph stumble on the guns and capture the #1 spy. The Russians decide it's time to off him... so O'Neil moves in. They are going to want to have this taken care of quickly.

Here is my missing scene to Lilacs...

**Over phone**

"O'Neil, have you made contact vith agent?"

"Yes. I think I finally got his attention..."

"Good!! He's found the weapons, and captured our top man. It's time to take care of Maxwell problem."

"So soon?"

"Comrade, we must take him down, NOW! When can we off him?"

"He is going on tv tonight to promote capitalist FBI... I will offer to drive him. He has no car."

"Das Goooood! Vhen you take agent home, make sure he walk up front stairs... KGB vill have someone vaiting..."

"How do I do that?"

"Comrade O'Neil!! Do you know vy keep you here at KGB? It is not for singing voice..."

"Oh, I don't know... I don't think Maxwell is the kind of man to sleep with someone on the first night..."

"He is man... you are voman... he vill go... You only need to get Maxvell to stairs... he vill be dead before key is in door..."

"Well, ok..."

"And keep car parked close ... you vill vant to leave quickly..."

"Even if I get a ticket?"

"Don't vorry. Kremlin pick up bill..."


**The next day, at public phone at restaurant**

"What happened? You told me someone would be there..."

"Ve did! Ve DID!! But they vere captured!! Did you let Maxwell out of sight?"

"NO!! I was with him ... all night!!"

"You fall azleep, again? On job?"

"No... we drank coffee... I was up all night... talking..."

"You get secret???"

"No. Not yet. But he wants me to join the FBI as agent..."

"Listen. I know KGB doesn't pay you lots of money... but this is no time to ask pay raise... Listen, somevone vorking vith him... Do he must have bird dog...? Who is bird dog??"

"Well, he's got a new kid who works with him..."

"Ok. First Maxwell. Then bird dog is nuzzing..."

"We are going to pick up the guns now. At the beach..."

"Ok. Don't vorry... I vill send Yuri ... and Chuck."

"Good. Chuck is good comrade..."

---

Saturday morning, 2AM:

How on earth can I be paying attention to the timing and details of this episode with all that Maxwell chest action going on...?

---

Saturday morning, 2:45 AM:

Did she jump bail? Or did someone kill her? Why don't we know??

---

Saturday morning, 3:12 AM:

Hey! wait.... a.... minute....!!

Shewhocannotbementioned did not jump bail, run off, and leave Bill losing his bail money. What have I been thinking?

Ralph would never have let her!

If she disappears, he just vibes in on her, he gets her, and there you are. He would never let his friend loose all his savings - not if he could stop it. I could imagine Bill saying something like "Eh, don't worry about it, kid" as he gets all choked up inside, feeling used and abused in his King of Angst sort of way. But even so, Ralph's got the suit and he can do whatever he wants with it...

So here is my theory, revised.


*Bill bails her out.
*They spend a few days/nights together.
*As soon as Bill is not looking, she hits the Road to Red Square.
*Bill drops by her place for some afternoon delight, finds her bags packed. He had half expected it.
*He picks up the phone to call Ralph. "Yeah kid. She's gone."
*Ralph takes it personally - and goes on a mission.
*He shows up at her place and vibes in on her.

"Bill! She's at the airport."
"Who cares, kid..."
"Bill! You can't just let her get away..."

*Ralph drags depressed and angst ridden Bill to LAX
* There she is, on line at the Aeroflot counter. She's got a cheesy wig and fake passport.
* Just as she hands in her ticket and is about to board the plane, Bill grabs her elbow, dragging her back.

"You forgot to leave a forwarding address, Darlin..."

[/size]

[jopierce]

You know, I often think about Ira and Harlan, and how Harlan's life changes. I bet Ira and Harlan get out a bunch, and drive around town.

Harlan: Where you wanna go tonight?

Ira: Any place is fine by me!

Harlan: How about Mickey's Tavern. Those waitresses like me...

Ira: That's cause you flirt with them, even though they're dogs.

Harlan: Are they?

Ira: Oh yeah. You wouldn't like them...

Harlan: Come on! I wasn't born yesterday! you're just trying to keep them for yourself...

Ira: Guilty as charged.

Harlan: So, I'm gonna do the drinking this time, right? And you're designated driver, right?

Ira: *sigh* Yes. Again... But NEXT TIME...!!

Harlan: You bet.

[jopierce]

Jo's Top Ten Plot Bunnies of
How Bill Could Have a Kid
That Was Never Mentioned in the Series
(most of which are just plain silly)

[/center]

• He was introduced in Vanity. Weren't you watching?
  
  
• Bill and former wife had long drawn out custody battle after their divorce. In the end, kid is raised by ex and Larry the Used Car Salesman she married. Never sees them again.
  
  
• Green Guys thought it would be too inconvenient to be a father. Child is kidnapped, Bill's memory wiped clean
  
  
• Mother and child are tragically killed/die. Too painful to talk about.
  
  
• Drugged drink at FBI Christmas party led to unknown encounter in broom closet. He doesn't know.
  
  
• They can't get Visas to get out of Korea.
  
  
• Bill: "Raaaaalph.... I AM your father...."
  
  
• Donated to sperm bank. Is currently father to half of LA. Does not know.
  
  
• Bill has a son, who turns out to be a long haired hippy who moves to Russia. No contact.
  
  
• All this sentimental family drivel makes his eyes water. Who cares what you think, anyway?
  
  

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[jopierce]

What kind of woman does Bill want?


I think we ALL think Bill wants to be the big man. The man is macho. No denying it. But I don't personally think he wants or needs a woman who needs to be taken care of completely....

I agree he doesn't want an "equal partnership," as we know it in 2006, but I don't think he wants someone to take care of either. Maybe this is the ultimate conflict, and the reason he has such bad luck with the dames and broads....

Sure aint his looks...

---

Ok, first the evidence. Yes, he was married, but no clues as to whether it ended by divorce or death. We can argue it, and have our opinions and throw around our "evidence," but we all probably agree it's up in the air. So that's the weakest link to Bill's type.

---

Next, we have Starlett. This may sound weird, but he really doesn't seem to like her. He thinks she's really pretty and all, but he doesn't go ga ga over her. He doesn't respect her at all. In fact, I think he flat out dislikes her at some level. (Sorry Silve). I can see that when she hits on Ralph. You can see that when he gives Pam permission to do a little Wacky Smacky. At first I thought he might be jealous, but he is condescending to her the way he never was with someone like O'Neil (coming up soon!). He doesn't respect her at all, even when he thinks she is turning Johnny Da Dancer in. I think he wants someone who has some smarts in her head...

Perhaps he is too busy trying to nail Johnny than to try to, um ok, no nail jokes... but even if he wasn't on the job... well... you get my point.

---

Ok, Rose. There really isn't anything there, per se, but I think that he likes that she is a little bit of a toughy. He is a little put off that she got into the Top Secret stuff, but I think he likes how she handled herself otherwise in this situation. Good troops.

---

Rhonda... ok, so there isn't anything there, really, but the way he treats her is telling. He calls her angel and honey all the time, and treats her very kindly. I think he likes to be in that role, but is that fatherly? Or something else?

---

Next, the Truck Drivin Momma. Boy, what to say about this one...?

I think if Truck Drivin Momma looked like Starlett, that could have been a close call for Bill... maybe. I think he's turned off physically by this woman, since she doesn't fit with the classical pretty face that he probably is a sucker for. And she is probably too rough and tough for him. Bill probably doesn't want someone who is that butch. I think he liked that she was good troops, but he just couldn't get into her physically. Hate to say it, but he probably would'nt fall for someone who wasn't at least pretty. Maybe she wouldn't have to be Starlett or Pam gorgeous, but she would have to be pretty, and probably she'd have to be fairly feminine in appearance, or at least be able to pull that off when she needed to.

And maybe Truck Drivin Momma came on too strong and aggressive for him. And yes, Mona, he would want to be the one to fix the car. In this case, they'd fight over who's changing the oil this month.

---

Mrs. Maxwell... AKA MOM!!! Well, we don't know much about her, and it's not that this indicates his type of woman... but maybe looking at his relationship with her gives us some clues. There is not much evidence... He seems bitter. He "loved his mom... especially when she showed up... sober..." ZING!!! What does that say? He's gotta not want to repeat that, right? So, he is not going to want someone who hangs out at bars, or something like that.

I often imagine his mom being sort of like Rose in some ways. Tough, working class. So he can relate to that, and probably would do well with it, but he probably has some issues with it.

---

Based on his upbringing, he probably has this idealized idea of a woman staying at home. That's the model, and the model he never had. So I think that is what he wants... or at least what he THINKS he wants... He was at his formative teen/young adult years in the 40s'/50s. So there is this stereotyped ideal of a woman that he plays up and says he wants. But I don't think he really wants a woman who is completely like Mrs. Cleaver. I think he'd shoot himself first...

There is the possibility that his wife was Cleaver-esque, but based on the evidence of the other women he deals with, I am not convinced that's his type as we know him in the 1980s...

---

Oh, man, this is going on and on. I never realized what a complicated topic this would be. I always just assumed it would be ME!! (LOL!)

Let me post this one... then move on to the next round of competition dames.

---

What Kind of Dame...? Part II(Gee, can you say OBSESSED?)

Ok, next. In "It's All Downhill," we have Bill and the Hippy Chick. Sorry. Can't remember her name. He doesn't like her per se, but at the end, he is impressed that she pulled through, and pulled her weight. There is nothing going on, but for all his macho disrespecting of women, and his thoughts that they should stay at home, he does like it when they are good troops.

---

Next we have Mrs. Paula Hinkley. Yes. This is classic. He likes her. He really does. He thinks she's pretty. He likes that she held her own... I can't remember the exact quote, but it was something like "She bounced right back... you don't find women like that anymore." He respected that she was able to deal with this awful scenario, and come out kicking. In fact, I think this is the first woman he really likes in the series, in terms of his "type." She is pretty, feminine, maybe a bit old fashioned, but NOT COMPLETELY old fashioned.

I think this is the key. He wants someone who on the surface is not really agressive or tough, is a lady, but deep down can hold her own, and doesn't NEED to have Bill take care of absolutely everything.

---

I think it would drive Bill nuts to have to take care of everything in a relationship. He may be the one who gets the final vote or say, but I think he isn't going to make all the decisions. I don't think he cares about lots of the decisions that would have to be made in a relationship.

He goes to Ralph's kids' play. And he goes to the club with Ralph and Pam and the kids to hear music. He hates the play, and he hates music, but does it anyway because he knows it's important. I can see him taking his lady out dancing once in a while if he knows she wants to. Maybe he won't enjoy it, but he will... I can see him telling her to hold on while he goes to get drinks, then sneaking to the bar and catching the last 10 minutes of the game...

---

Ok, here we go. The big Kahuna.

SheWhoCannotBeMentioned.

O'Neil is really the only case where we know Bill is head over heals. It's a level beyond Paula Hinkley. Does he REALLY love her? Probably, even though he can't trust her. But is she his type? I think she is as close as we see, but not completely.

First, she is attractive. Yes, Dixie is a good looking woman. Maybe not Femme Fatale hot in this show. Come on. The Glasses? In fact, I think that they gave her the glasses to give her an egghead look. She is an efficiency expert, so she's a smart career woman. But she is not threatening in it. She doesn't bark at him when she tells him he comes in late. She is coy, and subtle. A sense of humor. Slightly seductive, able to comfortably use inuendo.

She is also, at first, good troops. She hands him that newspaper at the right time, backs him up in the office. He likes that she says she wants to be a fed, and do field work. But she counters that toughness with smiles, and a bit of [feigned] insecurity. He'd like to be able to tell her "You can do it," when she rolls her eyes and says "Golly... this is so hard...." He wants her to learn how to drive a stick. He is intrigued by the fact that she is willing to take his gun and learn the ropes, but secure that he is still the one in charge. As long as he is top dog, it's ok. She can still be pretty strong, as long as she doesn't try to out do him.

We know that in some ways she is playing him. We also know she is a bit of a flake. But she is never the one to sit at home and wait for him. And I don't think he wants that. He may say he does, but he probably doesn't. He wants someone to take fishing, drink margaritas with, and maybe have some grub waiting back at home every once in a while.

The big problem is that she can't be trusted, and that he can't trust her to watch his back. Being a spy isn't the problem, as much as being untrustworthy. In this case they go hand in hand... but I think if she were simply a liberal - the way Ralph and Pam are - or even a hippy, he may be able to deal with the ideological differences. She just wouldn't be able to argue flat out with him, or would have to be really subtle or smooth or sarcastic about things.... But I think it's the issue of trust.

She is, when push comes to shove, NOT GOOD TROOPS. She is in the category of Terry Winslow. Someone he loves, but cannot allow to be a part of his life. Maybe this is why I am convinced that he will testify...

---

Is it Bachelorette Number One? Two? or Three? - Part III.


Ok, here she is. My personal favorite. Dotty Parker.

Here is the tragedy of Bill. This woman probably IS his type on so many levels. I think that was the point of the whole pairing. She wanted to be in the FBI. She loves sports. She likes the action of the field. Dotty is intelligent and has a good sense of humor. She is pretty. She likes to try exciting things (sushi?). She is not going to wait around for him to come home at 5 pm, with dinner in the oven.

And she does not have blue hair.

The problem is that while I think Bill would be perfectly happy with a woman like this, he wants a woman who will play "I'm the Man" game with him...

Dotty's fatal mistake was telling him that she wanted field work, that she knew more about sports than he did. She argued with him, instead of playing coy and seductive. If you mixed Dotty's guts, integrity, knowledge and passions with O'Neil's batting of the eyelids, giggles, tears, and deference to Bill, that would be the winning combination for Bill.

Remember in the car, on the way to the Blind date? Bill complains that he has heard it all before of blind dates... "Great conversationalist, wonderful dancer, can put 10 rounds through a 5 inch pattern, sings opera..." Although that's sarcasm, not the ideal, in some ways it shows that he wants someone who is very well rounded. But I also thing it implies he wants a soft woman who was also a tough guy.

---

In Vanity, we also have a little bit of a clue. Or maybe a big clue. There is some debate as to whether or not he ever was involved with Delavera. Some argue that she is actually the mother of an illegitimate son... well, there's no way to fully know. But even in the ambiguity, we can find some clues.

He is surprised at seeing her. Perhaps he is smitten with her. Perhaps just shocked. But he does respect her, at least at first. This woman was part of a revolution. She was a tough guy in many ways. If there was an affair, she certainly was not some delicate flower.

She was a woman who stood beside her husband. I think he likes that. Not behind her man, but beside. It may not be an equal partnership. He doesn't want a completely equal partnership, but it is a partnership.

---

Holly. Oh, boy. This one I don't even know how to address. He resents a skirt getting the suit. He dislikes her being such a flake. By the end of the episode, I think he likes her commitment. But I think he sees his teaming up with her as worse than hell. I don't even think it's because she's a skirt. That's what he says. And I am sure he means it. But if the suit went to Dotty Parker, or Pam, or Truck Drivin Momma, or even Paula Hinkley, he may not have been quite as upset. I think he was furious it was given to a flake!

Oh boy. I can't even continue with this one.

---

Finally, there is Pam.

The lovely Pamela Davidson.

Some have fanfic'd them into relationships. Some have thought there may be some hints of sexual tension, or flirting going on between Pam and Bill.

I think that maybe Pam really could be his type.

He would never act on it, but she had the guts, the beauty, the sense of humor, the intelligence. She was younger, but that's ok. He liked that she was good troops. Maybe she was too much of a feminist on the outside, but I think that wouldn't have been the real problem, ultimately. I think he hated the label feminist, but actually likes some things that we identify with that type of woman. As long as it's on the inside, not the outside. I think he would bark about it, and make jokes or jabs about it, but I think he wasn't opposed to her strengths, deep down. But he could not say as much.

Her being a strong and successfull woman was not the real problem there, in my opinion.

The real problem was she was with his best friend and partner.

---

Ok, so that is my VERY LONG winded analysis of what I think is Bill's type.

Comments?

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[HoudiniDerek]

jopierce said:

HD. Careful. You can be the first sacrifice.

*kiss*

Yeah, but as Bill would say:



Bill: What a way to go....


*I don't think anyone will ever say that MelMac is long-winded again...well, we will, but now we can compare you as well, Josie*

[HoudiniDerek]

jopierce said:

Ok, more supporting evidence for my "Mrs. Maxwell was stupid and divorced Bill theory...:

Does anyone remember seeing ANYWHERE in his apartment an old photo of a woman? A wedding photo? A photo of his wife? Anything?

I would guess that most people still keep old photos around of their beloved after they die. He's got J Edgar, FBI Wanted posters, and some old photos of old army buddies on the wall. Why not her?

If she leaves you for a used car salesman in Vegas, you take her photo, paste it on a bullseye, bring it down to the firing range, and take aim.

Perhaps there are some who would react otherwise. But perhaps...more evidence???

Ah, man, I need a life.

I think that it might have been too painful for Bill to have out and that he might hide them from anyone that might come around. After all, Ralph and Pam are there quite a bit now it seems like and they don't find out until later on that he was married...and then, only Ralph for sure.

Maybe all of his pictures are in his bedroom. I was like that for a long time when I lost people...I put the pictures where I could see them, but I was not comfortable with others asking questions about the person because I did not want to go into it. I think the same concept could apply here to Bill...that if he hid from it, maybe it didn't exist.

[HoudiniDerek]

I didn't quote it because it would ruin the bandwith, but I agree with some of your sentiments about why the episode LILACS was not well-done. However, is it fair to blame Dixie Carter? After all, if Culp wanted her to play REAL love, he was directing...he could have MADE her. I love the episode because I think it was made the way it is for all the reasons you hate, Josie.

I have gone on about what I like and don't like before so I will just post the LILACS thread.

[HoudiniDerek]

I would agree that Bill wants a relationship where he does not have to carry it, but one where he is an essential part of it. I think this wife might play into his reluctance to date again, regardless of her death or running off. After one loss, it is hard for some to start over.

I think out of those listed: Mrs. Paula Hinkley would probably have worked the best because they seemed to HAVE chemistry...and I imagine it wasn't just acting. They seemed to genuinely get along and that those scenes where they interacted were much lighter than might have otherwise been.

My second choice would probably be Estelle, the truck drivin' momma. I think she epitomized to Bill what it would be like to have a female version of him...and I think he respected her much like he did Paula...that deep down, both of them would hold their own if necessary, but that they might both like to be a little more subdued around him.

My third choice Mrs. Delvera. Even after all these years, he seems smitten with her...and what he could not have. Granted, there is some of the talk that he fathered at least one of the children, but I think that would go against the Bill mantra that was set forth overall. Yes, they might have loved each other, but would he hurt his friend to be with her...even in private?

We see that he did not with Pam and that scene in the HIT CAR is flirtatious...but even if Bill and Pam HAD wanted more, I don't think either would have done because they both have strong qualities, especially regarding their friends.

So, I think that Bill wanted Mrs. Delvera, but never did anything about it...even after all those years. I think he harbored the hope...but it was more a dream of what he wanted rather than what was.

As for Pam, they might be similar on some levels, but I think they would have the mindset of friends overall...even if they can recognize that each has their own good qualities, physical and personality, I think they realized that they were not good for each other...even if it HAD been possible to do, which I don't believe it was. After all, Bill was not really the romantic interest in this, even though he played with romance at times.

[HoudiniDerek]

houdiniderek said:

I would agree that Bill wants a relationship where he does not have to carry it, but one where he is an essential part of it. I think this wife might play into his reluctance to date again, regardless of her death or running off. After one loss, it is hard for some to start over.

I think out of those listed: Mrs. Paula Hinkley would probably have worked the best because they seemed to HAVE chemistry...and I imagine it wasn't just acting. They seemed to genuinely get along and that those scenes where they interacted were much lighter than might have otherwise been.

My second choice would probably be Estelle, the truck drivin' momma. I think she epitomized to Bill what it would be like to have a female version of him...and I think he respected her much like he did Paula...that deep down, both of them would hold their own if necessary, but that they might both like to be a little more subdued around him.

My third choice Mrs. Delvera. Even after all these years, he seems smitten with her...and what he could not have. Granted, there is some of the talk that he fathered at least one of the children, but I think that would go against the Bill mantra that was set forth overall. Yes, they might have loved each other, but would he hurt his friend to be with her...even in private?

We see that he did not with Pam and that scene in the HIT CAR is flirtatious...but even if Bill and Pam HAD wanted more, I don't think either would have done because they both have strong qualities, especially regarding their friends.

So, I think that Bill wanted Mrs. Delvera, but never did anything about it...even after all those years. I think he harbored the hope...but it was more a dream of what he wanted rather than what was.

As for Pam, they might be similar on some levels, but I think they would have the mindset of friends overall...even if they can recognize that each has their own good qualities, physical and personality, I think they realized that they were not good for each other...even if it HAD been possible to do, which I don't believe it was. After all, Bill was not really the romantic interest in this, even though he played with romance at times.

Ralph: You know, Bill, it's a bad sign when people start talking about you and women.

Bill: And why is that?

Ralph: Two words--Wedding Bells.



Bill: Check please.

[HoudiniDerek]

jopierce said:

Jo's Top Ten Plot Bunnies of
How Bill Could Have a Kid
That Was Never Mentioned in the Series
(most of which are just plain silly)

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• He was introduced in Vanity. Weren't you watching?
  
  
• Bill and former wife had long drawn out custody battle after their divorce. In the end, kid is raised by ex and Larry the Used Car Salesman she married. Never sees them again.
  
  
• Green Guys thought it would be too inconvenient to be a father. Child is kidnapped, Bill's memory wiped clean
  
  
• Mother and child are tragically killed/die. Too painful to talk about.
  
  
• Drugged drink at FBI Christmas party led to unknown encounter in broom closet. He doesn't know.
  
  
• They can't get Visas to get out of Korea.
  
  
• Bill: "Raaaaalph.... I AM your father...."
  
  
• Donated to sperm bank. Is currently father to half of LA. Does not know.
  
  
• Bill has a son, who turns out to be a long haired hippy who moves to Russia. No contact.
  
  
• All this sentimental family drivel makes his eyes water. Who cares what you think, anyway?
  
  

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[/quote]

Top Plot Bunny for:

Why Bill Maxwell has no family.


1. After his wife died, the Greenguys take Bill up to the ship and make him impotent because they need him focused on his career just in case they use him down the road as the partner to the suit wearer. Then, they relieve him of this particular memory and teach him to be duty-bound. *Could have happened at any point in his life*